


Treat Me Like a Stolen Glance

by SilkCut



Series: Snapshots [6]
Category: xxxHoLic
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Friendship, Girl with a broken smile, Hurt/Comfort, Painful Parting, teenage love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-04-14 04:30:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4550508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilkCut/pseuds/SilkCut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If it's a choice between becoming a part of the human race even though she's an incurable plague that can slaughter them all; or being utterly alone and comforted at least with the fact that there was no blood in her hands then, hell, of course she'll pick the merciful latter.</p><p>And then she meets two boys who challenged this twisted perspective about herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I think Himawari is an underappreciated complex character and I want to write a piece about her experiences as a person and her relationship with Watanuki.

 

 

 

  


 

**187: Nothing Lost, Nothing Gained**

* * *

 

 

 

 

The student council meeting for today yielded some really positive outputs regarding the plans for the upcoming festival next month. One of the eager new blood even suggested an imitation prom night and one of the supervising teachers green-lit the idea, claiming that it'd be a nice cultural exposure that would enable students to take part in what he calls a 'contemporary Western high school experience'. Nothing grand or expensive in any way; what matters, the teacher claimed, is sustaining the spirit of the occasion.

Himawari Kunogi was intrigued herself. Most of the girls in this school, if not all, have never been to a dance before. It's just not a part of the custom although Himawari watched enough foreign movies to know how an actual prom event works. As class representative and active member of the council herself, she wanted to be a part of the organizing committee so she gave some suggestions of how they could really turn imitation prom night into something spectacular that students will enjoy and have a good time with.

Like a lof of things in life she craved, dancing with another person is just one of the many impossible feats that someone of her nature cannot risk knowing more deeply about let alone go through. There are dangers to intimacy that she had discovered the hard way through experiences in the past. But Himawari was still like any sixteen-year-old girl. She wanted to put on a pretty dress, try on wearing those corsage things, and get asked by a boy to dance to slow music.

Surely other girls would want the same if given the chance to actually make that choice, and the opportunity to fulfill it.

She sat there contemplating of such frothy and ultimately needless sentiments for a short while during the meeting but afterwards she abolished the fantasy just as quickly as it had come.

As an inescapable reality, Himawari Kunogi is unlike any sixteen-year-old girl. She'd put on more funeral dresses over the course of her young life than she can count. She wore a smile comparable to that of a twinkling star whose light may seem bright and beautiful from a distance, but a closer inspection would reveal that the star is actually, and currently, in perpetual, slow explosion all over its occupied solitary space until there would be nothing left in its wake but a gaping black hole.

Stars burn out inconspicuously and it would take billions of years before their light truly disappear in the earth's night sky. Himawari would like to think she'd be able to one day leave behind a remnant of herself that's as gorgeous and incandescent as a star's light. Maybe in death her loss would be worth something to the world at last.

 _Oh, well, only time can tell._ Himawari chuckled to herself as she pushed the dramatic thoughts aside and focused instead on listening to the academic forum now being held among her peers.

Today she's sixteen. She's alive. People like her well enough. Nobody in this new city knows her secret. It has gotten easy to play the part of the nice, accomodating girl with the prettiest smile in school. Death and misfortune may stalk her paths and whoever will walk them with her, but Himawari is unfazed. The trick is to let someone get close enough under the guise of easy camaraderie, but never forget to conceal what must always stay under lock and key. She's been outstanding about this since she transferred schools. Everybody loves Himawari in this place because her open smile and sweet disposition make people believe that she has nothing to hide.

And Himawari doesn't really hide. She is as cheerful and kind as she projects on the outside. It's just that it's the only layer she allows people to get comfortable with. Otherwise they'd get suspicious once bad things start happening. Himawari figured that if she maintained the only socially appropriate amount of distance and kept up the appearance of being some girl-next-door, then surely people won't doubt her intentions, and point fingers at her on the off-chance someone gets killed again. Surely, no one will be cruel enough to look at her say, "Yes, that's her--the harbinger of bad luck. Stay away from the likes of her because she will only bring you pain and misery."

Of course, that has happened before (the cycle of brutal rejections and outright witch-hunt bullying) so Himawari was very cautious not to draw attention to herself this time. She has also gotten better in reading the vibes of certain situations where it's likely she might compromise someone's health or safety. She doesn't want to accidentally cause a scraped knee or a cancer growth or a comatose…again. That just won't do. Himawari is a functional member of society now. Inexplicable bad circumstances may have happened since her arrival to the city, but they can't ever be connected with her, mostly because a few people are getting less superstitious about jinxes and are not inclined to believe in curses, let alone an actual human incarnate of one.

Himawari unhurriedly packs up her things after the meeting ended. She smiles and waves farewells as acquaintances passed her by the desk, and they responded back to her warmth with kind words of their own. She waits until everyone is gone before she slings her bag on her shoulder and closes the door behind her. This was just one of the necessary rituals to avoid any earthquakes of electrical blackouts from occuring while among the company of a crowd. She figured out by the time that she was twelve or so that she must always be the last person to leave a room. If someone gets left behind with her, she has to immediately vacate the premises before that person. If she doesn't, then the person will get very sick the next day. As for crowds, if she leaves a room while it's still heftily occupied, electricity would become erratic, sometimes ending up in exploding light bulbs or incomprehensibly short-circuting ones. That's why she became class representative so she will have an excuse to stay behind like reassuring classmates she has to write something on the board first (be it program or event reminders). It always works because people easily trust Himawari so it's only basic decency to return their unquestioning trust by not endangering their lives if she can help it.

Himawari now walks the vacant corridors with a lightness to her gait. It's only when she's completely alone that she can relax. There's no more pressure to be on her guard or a need for caution. Without people around, she could just stop worrying about killing them. She can enjoy the safety of the solitude she had learned to despise less the older and more mature she got. If it's a choice between becoming a part of the human race even though she's an incurable plague that can slaughter them all; or being utterly alone and comforted at least with the fact that there was no blood in her hands then, hell, of course she'll pick the merciful latter.

After reaching the end of the flight of stairs, Himawari encountered one of the janitors and greeted him. He smiled back at her, almost sheepishly. She stood there by the entrance, clutching her cellphone and pretending to type something. The truth is she was waiting for the janitor to get out first, just in case. She only has to wait ten minutes before he was walking to her direction. He nodded at her as he crossed the entrance and walked into the school yard outside. Himawari glanced inside to see if there are other students loitering around but realized it was only just her and the middle-aged man so with a sigh, she decided that it's okay to leave.

 

**xXx**

 

On the next council meeting, new class representatives were included in the discussion. Himawari memorized all their names immediately and befriended them except for that one tall boy who barely said a word to her except to return her polite greetings for the afternoon. At dismissal, Himawari waits again for everyone to leave before she walks out of the room and closes the door. She was only five yards away from the classroom she just got out from when she heard the door creak open. She snapped her head to the direction of the sound and felt her hands and feet go cold.

Someone was coming out. It was that boy.

"What?" he asked mildly as he approached her.

She shakily tried to smile. "I didn't see you back there. I thought everybody has gone…"

"I was under the table for a while because I was busy arranging my papers before I even noticed that everyone left."

"Why were you under the table?" Her anxiety was palpable as she looked up at the strange boy before her.

He just shrugged his shoulders in response and walked ahead, muttering a low, "See you."

Himawari was too shocked to react and stood there for another minute before she was shaken into action.

"Wait!" she called out, rushing after him. "Let's walk together!"

He spared her a glance as he slowed down his step. She managed to reach him in time. Gasping slightly to regain her breath, she offered him one of her bright smiles and remarked. "It's Doumeki-kun, isn't it? I'm Class 2-C representative, Kunogi."

"Yeah, you introduced yourself already." He wasn't exactly unkind but he wasn't that friendly either. Himawari didn't care about his personality as long as they get to leave together and she doesn't leave him behind like back there in the classroom.

The two of them barely said anything as they walked down the flight of stairs and reached the hallway. Just as they were about to walk out of the school completely, Doumeki stopped on his tracks and said. "Go ahead. I forgot something in my own classroom."

Himawari opened her mouth to argue but there was something icy in his look right there that made her decide against it. She would have offered to accompany him but she could read the suspicion in his expression and if she insisted, it would look too strange and he might get curious enough to observe her other interactions with people next time. She supposed it's best to cut her losses than risk sudden exposure from someone she couldn't decipher as of yet.

"Okay, please take care," Himawari smiled then turned away as she began to step out of the exit. She meant what she said though, knowing that she'll probably won't see him again for a long time once he gets sick because he'd been unfortunate enough to meet her.

 _Can't save them all,_ she grimly thought.

The very next day, Himawari saw Doumeki again. They even sat next to each other. He didn't get a fever or contract a deadly disease after all. This was baffling and frightening to Himawari. If the past has taught her anything, it's that no one is immune to Himawari's curse. But here he is, looking at her with that blank expression after he just caught her staring at him during the council meeting. She knew she shouldn't have tried to test this anomaly and just accept that maybe the guy was a one-in-a-million exception that one time, but Himawari decided later to leave the room ahead of Doumeki who actually stayed behind himself to run one last errand for the council. She instantly felt guilty about it afterwards

But Doumeki was at school again the next day, practicing archery in the club room. Himawari was simply fascinated about this turn of events but nonetheless remains unconvinced until she left Doumeki behind enough times when it's just the two of them in the room before she finally accepts that he is utterly immune to her curse.

Once absolutely certain of that, Himawari dared herself to fall in love with him but realized quickly that there simply was no attraction between them. But how convenient would it be if Doumeki just becomes her companion for the rest of her life? If he's really immune then she doesn't have to worry about causing him indirect harm. But life has never been convenient for Himawari so of course the only person aside from her parents who can get close enough without getting fatally messed up, and therefore has the opportunity to love her…simply couldn't. Doumeki talked to her on several occasions and they often pair up during council activities, but it's clear he had no interest in her beyond that.

 _Oh, well, look at the bright side. At least that's one less person you have to worry about accidentally damning._ And so Himawari decided to let the hopeful notion end before it could even begin.

 

**xXx**

 

On an uneventful afternoon after a spontaneous decision to go shopping for some new clothes, Himawari crosses paths with Kimihiro Watanuki, one of her classmates. Himawari had always made it a point to know everyone as the class rep but she never really paid any special attention to Watanuki until earlier today when she saw him about to rush out of class ahead of her as dismissal neared. She prevented this by chatting him up since it was just the two of them so he musn't leave before she does. Just as she was about to ask if they could walk together, a few of their classmates came back, so she allowed him to go on his separate way, sincerely wishing him a safe trip to the place of his part-time job.

Today she sees him again. He looked a bit distracted.

Himawari turned on the charm as soon as she struck another conversation with him in the middle of the streets. Watanuki was approachable enough that she even tried inviting him over to a cafe she enjoyed, unmindful of this sudden spontaneity in her part. He sheepishly allowed her to lead the way as she held onto his arm on the way there. On hindsight, Himawari didn't understand why her moods have improved significantly on that day. Maybe it's because she finally saved enough money to buy those shoes she'd always wanted. Maybe it's the fact that she met someone like Doumeki whose safety she doesn't have to worry about and therefore she could be relax around him and maybe even spend more time with him; become his friend, maybe finally tell someone how irreconcilably lonely it had been for her. Whatever it is, Himawari wanted to preserve these feelings of giddiness and relief that she hasn't felt before. It just so happened that Watanuki was the only person right now she could share her joy with.

But life has never been a joyous one for Himawari. She should have known her celebration was short-lived. When Watanuki started coughing beside her as if his lungs had been assaulted, she withdrew her arm away from his, dreading that she had caused it (knowing it was her fault). He collapsed to the ground, sitting on the pavement like some lost boy. She sat beside him, only to console him, but knew she should just ran off before she makes the situation any worse. Himawari fought that selfish instinct and stayed behind for Watanuki. She was so focused on trying to ease whatever it was that was physically ailing him that she only heard the loud screeching of tires behind her. She was going to look but then she felt Watanuki's arm shielding her view and burying her face into his shoulder.

She could hear people shouting at each other, a few citing to call for an ambulance. The scenario is far too familiar for Himawari to mistake it otherwise. Somebody got hurt. Somebody was going to die or was already lying dead in the sidewalk. And she was there, yet again, not a mere witness or an innocent bystander, but the unwitting instigator...the harbinger of misfortune and misery. Her head was spinning so she closed her eyes and tried breathing normally even though her throat feels like it was going to close on her for good. Through it all, Watanuki held her, this complete stranger she barely even spoke to until today. Himawari wanted to shove him off, to scream at his face and tell him that it's all her goddamn fault again. _Again. Again. Again. Stupid girl, when will you learn? You know what you are, you ugly thing. You're no fading star. You're already a black hole, sucking everything in._

Just as she was about to cry in anger and defeat, she felt Watanuki's hand resting under her chin as he earnestly looked into her eyes and asked if she was okay, that he could walk her home, that she can't be alone right now. Himawari just stared up at him, right into those cerulean-colored eyes, and every noise and commotion that surrounded them seem to be less real now as if they're far away in another galaxy, and Himawari doesn't have to think about the insurmountable guilt that has time and time again threatened to suffocate her in her sleep, making it so unbelievably wretched to get up and live for another day that is only filled with empty smiles and charades.

"I'm okay," she lied through her teeth, grinning like a fool as the rest of her body went numb.

Watanuki wasn't deceived, it seems, because he helped her up on her feet and still had both arms around her, so warm and protective. Everyone else near them was more intent on watching the accident than pay attention to two teenagers locked in an embrace as they both walked off together to get away from the mess of it all. Watanuki eventually let her go but Himawari found herself reaching out to clasp his hand, and he just let her. They walked in silence for a few more minutes with no clear destination. Once Himawari composed herself, she slowed down on her tracks and said. "I'm okay, really. I live across two streets from here. I can make it there by myself."

He stopped walking so he could look at her again, his face the portrait of concern and...affection? Himawari wasn't sure but it was so achingly beautiful to look at. No one has ever looked at her like that, especially not a boy. It feels as if he knows what she's been through and he's not afraid to see just how deep the scars inside her went.

"Himawari-chan, please be safe," he simply said as he slowly withdrew their hands away.

She looked down at her fingers, suddendly missing the gaps between them being filled by his earlier. Himawari looked up again and offered yet another deceptive smile and said, "Thank you, Watanuki-kun. I really hope that person is all right. I'll, uh, see you in class?"

Watanuki smiled back at her then and the expression has softened the blue in his eyes, making him almost ethereal. "Yes, of course." He paused and then added. "Listen, would you like to join me for lunch tomorrow? I know it's very forward but I want to make you feel better about what happened. I, uh, cook and well, I'm good at it...I think. I want to make you something. Would that be okay?"

Himawari blinked at him. He was confident in his invitation but not at all self-assured or cocky. It was rather cute in its contradiction. She found herself smiling genuinely for the first time.

"Yes, Watanuki-kun," she could feel the pressure on her shoulders disappearing as she answered. "I would like to see you again."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She and Watanuki shared a mutual habit of pushing people away before either of them could start caring about them more.

 

 

**440: Spe** **ak Not the Secret You Bear**

* * *

 

 

 

 

And, just like that, Kimihiro Watanuki occupied the gaping holes in herself that for the longest time Himawari never dreamed could ever be filled. She had been a fatalist all her life and it was natural only to think that meeting him had to mean something. Perhaps a change. She'd love a change.

Watanuki found them a tranquil place behind school grounds where the grass had a deeper shade of green and was trimmed perfectly. He set up a picnic cloth underneath them and brought along a rather bulky jubako. It was a plain black one with embossed sakura petals around its edges. Himawari complimented it and asked if it was his own or his parents'. Watanuki said that he had been using it for as long as he could remember so he probably bought it himself. Himawari was puzzled by the vagueness of his answer. Also, there's something about this boy she couldn't entirely figure out.

Usually, Himawari can read people like they have some sort of glossary only she has an access to, especially when it came to certain types. But Watanuki somehow just felt different from the rest. Or maybe there is just a part of her who wishes that he is just as much of an outsider as she secretly is. Whatever it was, she didn't feel like she had to be on her guard the whole time.

"Oh my!" Gleefully, Himawari clasped both hands together as soon as she caught sight of the lunch he prepared. "Did you really make all of this by yourself, Watanuki-kun?"

He blushed so beautifully over such a harmless inquiry. Himawari maintained the smile as she felt her own cheeks glow.

"W-Well, I've been making food for myself so I had a lot of time to practice and experiment, you know…"

She giggled, crinkling her nose at him. "Watanuki-kun is so diligent and proud of his work, isn't he?"

Watanuki scratched the back of his head and barely looked back at her. "You're so nice to say so, H-Himawari-chan…"

Has her name ever sounded so sweet before like the flower it represented? Himawari couldn't look at him as well and instead allowed her gaze to settle on the feast before her. "Well then," she began, "Itadakimasu!"

They had lunch together the entire week. Watanuki talked enough most days but he was genuinely interested in getting to know her so she was happy to carry the majority of the conversations; except that she withheld and whitewashed certain aspects of her tales every now and then, understandably excluding the grimy parts. When it's Watanuki's turn to open up, she would notice that he was not entirely honest about his past. There were holes in his memories that Himawari was polite enough not to poke. If Watanuki is just as reticent as she was about private matters then it would be better for the two of them in the long run. Himawari subscribed to the idea that everyone shouldn't be so open to anyone, that there were times you must hide truths and that there were reasons for certain truths to remain unknowable.

The fact that she and Watanuki were a little dishonest with one another made her feel some affinity with him. She enjoyed that. It would bother other people but certainly not Himawari who didn't have the luxury of keeping friends long enough in the dark unless she purposefully allowed it to be that way. To her, knowing fully well that somebody else is doing the same thing to her makes her feel less guilty of her own deception. At least that's what she tells herself.

 

 

**xXx**

 

 

On the sixth day after lunch break as they walked back to the classroom, Himawari told Watanuki about the plans of the student council to hold a prom night. The idea obviously intrigued Watanuki and he agreed that the experience could be "special". The adjective choice puzzled her and it may have shown in her expression because Watanuki quickly turned away from her.

"I'm not sure why I said that. I guess I was making assumptions that are unfounded since what would I know about it, right? Right?!" he was speaking so fast, almost out of breath. Himawari smiled and decided to save him from further embarrassment.

"So you've never danced with a girl before?" she inquired which made him violently react some more. Watanuki literally pressed his back against the window, his face drained of all color. It would have been comical if it wasn't for the abject fear in his eyes.

"N-No! Of course not!" he almost choked out. Himawari blinked at him as she watched the way he further sank in his position as if he wanted nothing more than to blend into the glass behind him. What an odd behavior, she thought as she found herself grinning widely at him. The boy is so expressive, so free with his actions, uncaring of how people would respond. She's beginning to envy that about him.

"Neither have I…danced with a girl before, that is," she teased.

Watanuki let out a nervous chuckle and his shoulders relaxed a bit.

"But of course I haven't danced with a boy either…" she drifted off, crossing her arms behind her back. She went on. "I wonder what it's like to hold a boy's hand and to follow his lead on the dance floor."

Himawari glanced back at Watanuki who suddenly had the gravest expression on his face.

"What's wrong, Watanuki-kun?"

Instead of answering her, Watanuki simply leaned close, his body angling towards her in a manner that made Himawari's chest constrict. She never noticed how blue his eyes were, not since last week when he pulled her in an embrace. She stayed where she was as he leaned closer some more, the distance between them shortening.

She opened her mouth to..say something? What would it be? To protest? To stop him? Or to encourage him? To further tempt him?

But Watanuki stopped midway and placed his hands on hers instead, interlacing their fingers. She gasped when she realized that she had managed to put up her hands some time during their silent exchange. She looked at their clasped pair of hands and then back into his eyes.

"Sorry," he muttered as he began to withdraw. A strong part of her wanted to follow his shy retreat, to chase his fingers with her own brittle ones that have never been touched like that until that moment.

It was an honest moment as if there were no secrets between them.

Himawari let out a disappointed sigh. And then she smiled one of her familiar ones, hoping it'd be enough to conceal how she felt.

"That was very forward of you, Watanuki-kun," she remarked, trying to make it sound playfully dismissive. "Perhaps you should save me a dance. You seem to know how to lead a good one...special, even."

"E-E-Eh?!" he practically started convulsing. This time Himawari laughed, unaware that a few students have been watching their interaction, and that some haven't even seen Himawari laugh like that, so carefree and loud.

 

 

**xXx**

 

 

Watanuki now harbors a crush on someone else other than Himawari. She was fine with this, really, and going so far as to take pleasure in teasing Watanuki ever so slyly about it. She found it so amusing that Watanuki was infuriatingly oblivious to the fact that he is attracted to no other than Shizuka Doumeki, her curse-repellant acquaintance and fellow class representative. Watanuki would pretend to humiliate the other boy with scathing remarks or snide comments about Doumeki's apparent lack of personality and sense of humor or whatever it is that Watanuki thought was a great target for criticism and spite.

But Himawari was not fooled. Watanuki unconsciously sought Doumeki's company whether he would admit it or not. He even started preparing food he knew Doumeki liked, often not even bothering to get Himawari's opinion about the dishes he's been serving them. That's how Himawari could tell. Each time the three of them sat together for lunch, Watanuki halfheartedly dots on her with frilly words he has no idea he is simply phoning in; but then focuses all his attention on Doumeki with a razor-sharp efficiency, even if it is to complain about the other boy's gluttony and scream about his odd demands for more food. Himwari figured out a long time ago that cooking is Watanuki's passion, and to share the food he makes is as intimate as Watanuki gets with another person. And whatever Doumeki wants prepared, Watanuki always gets it done, no matter how much he claims that he hated Doumeki bossing him around. It's clear that he is perfectly fine slaving away in the kitchen just to cook for Doumeki's specific needs and yet he struggles to deny it.

Himawari liked pointing out how well the two boys get along, lavishing on the sight of a small smirk from Doumeki's lips when he thought she wasn't looking at him, and laughing at the ferocious verbal denial that always came from Watanuki's mouth even though his bright blue eyes tell a different story. She wasn't jealous at all. There was something comforting about being a part of their dynamic even if she's only a casual observer, looking from the outside. She liked watching Doumeki play the role of the unaffected rock as he listened to the gibberish Watanuki kept shouting at him, and yet he completely loses himself in the act of consuming Watanuki's dishes like they're the only things that matter in the world.

She liked watching Watanuki spit out venomous remarks that speak so much depth of just how awfully he cares about Doumeki's input concerning his food, and how much the other boy gets under his skin every day and that the only way Watanuki could express the discomfort, and elation of finding someone he can never ignore is by relentlessly drowning out such strong feelings with empty words of threat. Himawari often catches Watanuki staring intently at Doumeki at times with some fire in his eyes, being ridiculously fixated on the other boy while still fully unaware as to why he is in the first place.

_It's because you want him, Watanuki-kun. And you hate yourself just a little bit for wanting another person because you honestly don't know what to do next if he becomes yours._

Sometimes Himawari would hear these words clearly in her head, words she didn't dare say aloud in either of their presence. She kept on with the appearances then, using good manners as her shield, while also secretly taking pride in the knowledge that she and Watanuki shared a mutual habit of pushing people away before either of them could start caring about them more. She recognized that Watanuki was not used to being the center of someone's attention (in this case, Doumeki's unrelenting commitment that borders peskiness), and therefore would do anything to discourage it. With Himawari, it's her pleasant neutrality and empty smiles; with Watanuki it's his scathing wit and shouting rounds. But he doesn't realize at all that his surprising warmth and selflessnes are the reasons that keep drawing other people near. It's what kept her around as much as he kept gravitating around her because she once overheard him talk about her sunny disposition and how he adores her for it. Himawari would scoff at this while also secretly cherishing the compliment since it came from a boy she's ever so slowly falling for.

But there is still the matter of Doumeki whom she is absolutely not jealous of. Why would she be? If it wasn't for Doumeki's curse-repellant abilities, she never could hang out with Watanuki for hours. As Watanuki's personal guard dog, he was always there with them and she was thankful for that...even if she couldn't stop noticing the way Watanuki would stiffen when the other boy is near, the way his breathing goes erratic, and that subtle ignition in his eyes when he'd quietly watch Doumeki without realizing his brutal fixation.

_You're the same as the other girls in school chasing after him. The only difference is you don't have to chase him at all because he sits next to you, edging closer and closer, tasting your food and watching after you to protect you from harm, and yet you're still a coward and a hypocrite for acting like you don't feel it._

Sometimes Watanuki's self-denial angers Himawari.

 _You can have him_ , she would ponder dangerously, _so go ahead and claim him. Do you have any idea how it feels to want something bad enough that it unravels you, and being scared to pursue it only to find out that it's always been yours in the first place---_

And she would immediately stop herself, blinking away the fog of confusion in her eyes. She would get so embarrased afterwards because she knew that what she was just doing is projecting. She understood Watanuki wants Doumeki and that Watanuki casts it aside so easily only because he also desires to be with her. Himawari knew this, has seen it in his secret gazes; has felt it in her chest whenever their eyes would meet, and yet it was easier--simpler even--to ignore that she doesn't want Watanuki back and everything he is offering.

Because what's the point? Time has proven that Watanuki is painfully more sensitive to her cursed condition than everyone else. That means he could literally suffer a gruesome fate and die just by being with her. Why would either of them risk that?

  
  


**xXx**

  


Doumeki didn't simply have a crush on Watanuki at all.

For a time since the three of them started hanging out during lunch breaks and even outside school, Himawari thought Doumeki also reciprocated the other boy's begrudging infatuation. She knew Doumeki enjoyed annoying Watanuki much like a little boy in a playground would pull at a little girl's pigtails to get her to notice him. It's the cutest thing she had ever seen and so ironic that someone of Doumeki's personality would exhibit such an endearingly juvenile behavior so shamelessly.

But after the incident--the fall from the window--all the blood and open wounds--all because she got careless enough to think Watanuki is safe with her alone--she finally realized that Doumeki was in love with Watanuki. Why else would he almost hurt her upon seeing the barely living body of his beloved lying on the ground, soaked in a bloody carnage of glass? Himawari had never seen a look more terrifying than Doumeki's expression in that moment.

It was an honest moment, a moment that reminded her that he belongs to a bloodline that hunts and exorcises monsters, and that makes her his natural prey.

Himawari scrubbed herself clean with hot water inside Yuuko Ichihara's abode. Her blouse was coated in dried blood and mud after she helped carry Watanuki to the safety of this bewitched place. She felt sore all over now and it reminded her of a time in her childhood when she stayed under the scorching sun for too long. Her throat was dry and painfully parched. Her eyes were barely open because of the stinging remnants of her tears. But Himawari continued to rub the cloth harder into the skin, ignoring the red marks the friction caused on her arms, her neck and chest. Himawari choked her sobs as she stood there in the narrow bathroom and scrubbed herself as hard as she could.

"Kunogi," it was Doumeki's voice from the other side of the door. "Please stop."

She almost laughed. Stop what? The crying? The scrubbing? The lying and the denying? For existing altogether?

Himawari undressed and threw her blouse in a corner. She took the white robe that Yuuko provided for her and slid inside the soft cotton, its comforting embrace shaming her, all the more reminding her that she doesn't deserve kindness or pity.

"Kunogi..."

The deluge was drowning her. Closing her eyes shut, Himawari slammed her fist on the door and whispered, her teeth tightly clenched together. "Please go away. Please don't pretend like you're not blaming me for this."

"I wasn't."

Himawari breathed raggedly into the wood in front of her where she pressed her forehead against. "Which one?"

Silence.

"Pretending not to blame me, or not blaming me at all?"

She heard the knob turn before Himawari had the time to lock it. Doumeki always had fast reflexes. She almost let out a scream as he gently pushed her aside so he could get in. He shut the door behind him and looked at her directly in the eye.

"I'm sorry, Kunogi." He managed to say without any indication of irony or mockery.

Himawari just stared at him.

"I shouldn't have lost my temper like that."

"You didn't," Himawari finally spoke up. "But you thought about it. I saw your arm twitch. You were going to hit me."

"No…" he sounded sad and guilty and it made her feel so much worse.

Himawari squeezed her eyes shut and then covered her mouth with one hand and placed the other on her shoulder in a desperate act to console herself. Doumeki just stood there, staring with resignation, hardly moving.

Finally, Himawari looked at him and said, "Do it."

The look of grimace on Doumeki's expression was unmistakable.

She demanded even louder this time. "Do it. Hit me."

"No," came his ready response.

"Hit me!" Himawari was going crazy. That was the only excuse for such a stupid behavior. She was shaking so violently that even the insides of her mouth are vibrating, as if her teeth could fall out.

His face hardened now. Without saying another word, Doumeki crossed the short distance between them with a heavy stride. Anticipating the blow she was afraid was going to come, Himawari raised her palms up to defend herself. Instead of a fist on her cheek, what she got instead were hands around her wrists. He pulled her close to him and her face landed squarely on his chest. Still clutching her, Doumeki rested his chin on top of her head.

"I'm very sorry, Kunogi," his voice sounded as if he was conceding defeat, soothing her.

Her face buried in his chest, Himawari began to cry again. "I wish…" she coughed out between sobs. "I wish you could have loved me."

Doumeki tightened his grip on her wrists but said nothing.

"It would've been perfect. Me, a cursed creature. You, immune to the curse. We could have made each other happy--"

Doumeki pulled her away and placed a hand under her chin. Himawari could barely see him through the haze of her tears but she could hear his words clearly, ringing in her ears.

"You don't need me to love you. He already does."

Her eyes wouldn't stop leaking out tears. Their heat made her eyes heavy. Himawari swallowed the lump in her throat and asked, "But why?" her voice sounded so far away. "What is so worth loving?"

Doumeki sighed and she realized that the exhaustion was weighing down on him as well. She pulled her hands away from his grip as gently as she could, not expecting an answer to her ridiculously timed question. She walked to the corner to pick up her crumpled blouse.

After wiping her tears with a shaky hand, Himawari faced Doumeki again. Quietly, she spoke. "We can't lose him, Doumeki. I don't care what has to be done. I will do it."

He nodded once. She could read the determination etched in his features. "Then we're on the same page because so will I."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wished she was strong enough like Doumeki, strong enough and _worthy_ enough to stay by Watanuki’s side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't even notice how long it has been since I last updated this story (freaking September of last year? Wow, Silk, wow). So it took me months to write this piece because I was more focused on wrapping up my multi-chaptered major work _Frequency_ , so I can't even find my muse for this story. But my muse has come back to me--slowly but surely--so here is the overdue concluding part for my brief (but hopefully not the last) HimaWata piece. Enjoy!~

 

 

 

**388: Supernova**

* * *

 

 

 

 

It was the easiest thing to do until it wasn’t.

As she took a few cautious steps inside the wish shop, she felt the overwhelming gravity immediately collide against her, and Himawari felt so nauseous that she thought she might faint. Wobbling to her left as she tried to catch her breath, she found purchase on one of the posts beside her and she dug her fingers in its solid form, all the while struggling to compose herself.

When she looked up, he was already standing there and he had the most depressing expression on his face as he gazed at her.

“What is happening?” Himawari’s voice was almost inaudible as soon as she started speaking, but her question reached him nonetheless. She can see the way he winced visibly as if he wasn’t prepared to answer her.

For a while it looked as if he is simply incapable of it. He looked almost inflated as he stood there, watching her with those pleading, mismatched eyes.

And then Watanuki finally found his voice and the first thing he said was an apology, of all things.

“I’m sorry,” he was saying, “I am so, _so_ , sorry, Himawari-chan.”

Every syllable was punctured with regret and it hurt her to hear each one.

 

 

**xXx**

 

 

Doumeki stood beside her the entire time as they presented themselves to the woman who calls herself the owner of this ‘wish shop’. She was named Yuuko Ichihara, and this wasn’t exactly the first time Himawari met her. As far as everybody else was concerned, their first meeting was when she asked help about her friend’s troubles at school pertaining to the game Angel-san. But that wasn’t how they met for the first time at all—and this would be the second time she set foot inside the wish shop. Nobody needs to know that especially not Doumeki and Watanuki.

— _Watanuki_ …

Himawari felt her knees weaken as soon as his name crossed her mind.

For some reason, Doumeki has noticed. He’d always been so observant than most people give him credit for. In a surprising attempt to comfort her, he reached out, squeezed her by the elbow once, and then withdrew to pay attention to what Ichihara was about to tell them. Himawari can’t help but grip the spot where he just touched her. She can’t help but tear up. Her throat hurts as she fights it.

Ichihara was addressing her now.

“You are required to pay a price if you want to save Watanuki too, Himawari-chan,” she was saying, “The ritual that will restore him demands three sacrifices for its completion. One for flesh, two for blood and three for the soul.”

Himawari looked uncertainly at Doumeki and he returned her gaze. He looked as if he was waiting for her to make the choice first, possibly out of courtesy. She sighed and looked away from him. Ichihara waited for either of them to speak up.

It was Doumeki who did but what he said to her was an observation and not an offer. “There are only two of us here.”

Himawari realized what that meant. She tried to say something but Ichihara interrupted her and said, “the price for the soul has already been paid.”

This alarmed her. “Then who?” She had to ask even though she felt too overwhelmed to comprehend anything right now. “And how?”

But Doumeki was addressing Himawari now. His gaze was light on hers but there was heavy intent in his words. “I don’t think either of us is meant to know. Otherwise, Yuuko-san would have volunteered that information already.”

The witch of the wish shop merely nodded to confirm this. And then she added, “I will leave you both to make the decision between yourselves concerning which of you will—”

Overcome by a sense of duty she could not place was coming from, Himawari interrupted the older woman with a ready response, “I think Doumeki should pay for the blood and I should pay with the flesh.”

An interval of pause lasted for about three seconds among them before Ichihara spoke up again. Himawari could feel her bones trembling as she tried to look back into the witch’s eyes whose usually dull color seem to look now like it became a darker shade of crimson. Ichihara said, “do you understand what you’re paying for and what your body will receive for this payment?”

“What I understand is that I’m cursed and I don’t want any of my tainted blood in Watanuki’s veins,” Himawari answered as coherently as she could manage but her voice still shook because of the power and pain of the words as she spoke them, “Doumeki comes from a blessed lineage and I think if he gives his blood to Watanuki, it might even help with the process of healing…” she trailed off, sounding unsure now. “At least, that’s how I understand this—”

“And what of the payment for flesh?” Ichihara intervened, her voice uncomfortably hushed in the deathly stillness of the room. “What do you think that would entail for you, Himawari Kunogi?”

“I-I don’t know,” Himawari replied as she was tempted to take a few steps back. “I suppose…that has something to do with my…corporeal form?”

The witch of the wish shop smiled once but it never reached those crimson eyes.

“Watanuki will heal,” she explained, “His soul will be revived and his blood will be filled again. But his body has suffered much wreckage and his brief encounter with death had marred the flesh with a multitude of scarring.”

“Oh, I understand now,” Himawari was sure.

“Really?” Ichihara smiled again. There was some warmth to it now at least.

Himawari glanced back at Doumeki who had been watching her the entire time as the conversation took place. She gave him a curt nod and then turned back to Ichihara, saying, “I know what must be done. I am ready to pay for its completion.”

Before her throat threatened to close up on her again, Doumeki took a step closer to her side and added, “Both of us are ready, Yuuko-san. Do what you must, please.”

Without thinking much about it, Himawari found herself reaching out to take Doumeki’s hand and he had allowed it, opening his palm to enable her to slide her own hand into his even as their fingers didn’t exactly interlace. The gesture was reassuring enough which was all that Himawari wanted and needed right now.

 

 

**xXx**

 

 

Himawari’s first suitor was a soft-spoken boy who artistically expressed his infatuation with her through pencil and paper. He could barely look at her in class, but he would often leave in her locker some pages from a sketchpad. They were filed with illustrations of her, depicting her in different scenes. In a lot of them, she’s sitting in class. In a few, she’s having lunch with other girls. She was always smiling in them, and he would emphasize its radiant glow all the time.

Himawari kept all of them and thanked him by smiling as amiably as she could in the rare moments he could find courage to look at her directly.

His courtship was short-lived, of course. It had only lasted for two months or so. She remembered very well how and why it ended.

One morning in autumn as she finished sweeping the leaves with the other members of the council, she stopped by her locker to change her shoes and noticed a folded piece of paper. This was odd for her because he always used envelopes to enclose his drawings so as not to damage them. The appearance of this folded paper that even looked like it was crammed in the space somewhat made Himawari worry. For a moment, she dismissed the notion that it was from the same boy, but as soon as she unfolded the paper, there was simply no mistaking it.

It was another drawing. This time, however, it was hurriedly sketched. It was Himawari again, as usual, but she was depicted as looking down on a black hole beneath her feet, her long curly locks in disarray, seemingly because of the strong gush of wind. The effect hid the rest of her face.

She looked haunted.

But it wasn’t the imagery that disturbed her and made her crumple the paper. It was the words that her former suitor had written in bold, slanted letters below the hole.

 

**_I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE._ **

 

**xXx**

 

 

 

“I’m so, _so_ , sorry, Himawari-chan,” Watanuki had said and he was looking at her with the kind of eyes that instantly made her weak in the knees. She almost felt like she could slide down to the ground but Himawari gathered every ounce of strength left in her and didn’t move from where she is currently standing in. Her fingers are glued to the post near her which was supporting some of her weight.

“What do you mean?” Himawari asked again, “What is happening, Watanuki-kun?”

He looked ashamed. She wanted to understand.

“You can’t stay long,” Watanuki explained. “The wish shop wouldn’t allow it.”

“Why not?” Himawari took precaution of his words about the magic in the shop because she was born the way she is, and with that came an instinctive understanding that there are powers beyond human control, and that she has to respect the way some things just are. Right now, however, Himawari wished she could learn some of this better because Watanuki has never looked so alone the way he does now, and she wanted to help. She wanted to be there for him in a way that Doumeki had been. She wished—she wished she was strong enough like Doumeki, strong enough and _worthy_ enough to stay by Watanuki’s side.

His next words shook her from her despairing thoughts. “Himawari-chan, please listen and try not to…not to get mad, okay?”

And she had to smile at him for that. She tried to make the smile as warm and cheerful as possible. It could be done. She had deceived him for a while about it and now she needed to do it again, for his sake. “What do you mean, Watanuki-kun? I could never be mad at you so don’t say such foolish things.”

Watanuki smiled back but unlike Himawari he wasn’t even trying to make it look normal. He was obviously upset about something and he had always been an honest person so he doesn’t even try to conceal it.

“I made a wish,” he said. Himawari knew there was something else he wanted to say so she waited for him to expound but he only told her, “And it was costly.”

 

 

**xXx**

 

 

A week passed before Watanuki fully recovered. As soon as he woke up, she told him the truth about what she is, and he accepted everything without learning to hate her at all. It was infuriating. He still refused to leave her alone in spite of the simple fact that she could keep endangering his life just on default—and Himawari was actually thankful he couldn’t give her up! She began to resent herself for feeling this entitled to his company—to want it and seek it for herself, and be damned of the consequences. And so, Himawari has done everything she could to convince herself that he was simply being courteous to spare her feelings. But then she started feeling bad for questioning his kindness in the first place, and got depressed about the whole thing again. She remembered going straight home that night after their overdue confrontation so she can look at her body in the mirror; to trace the scarring on her torso, but only do so on the exposed skin she can touch. Himawari remembered him saying that he thought he was lucky to have met her and knew that he really meant it.

That was the most painful thing of all.

Another week passed before she was able to forgive herself for the incident and all the baggage that came along afterwards. She could never get used to the awareness of all the unspoken desires she harboured for this boy that have only bubbled in the surface until now, and whose depth she had been sadly mistaken about all along. Himawari felt helpless about the power of her emotions for the first time. And to think that she believed for so long that she had gotten very good at bottling them all up inside. How pitiful it was that all her efforts in the past have been in vain because all it took was for some boy to look at her right and tell her she’s desirable. How cliché. How… _normal_.

Himawari had never felt normal. Neither has Watanuki but she learned this too late.

Watanuki kept inviting her to lunch with Doumeki and Doumeki was even warm to her, at least in a subtle way nobody else would have noticed except Himawari did and she was slightly embarrassed about this. One day during a council meeting as they were finalizing the plans for prom night, she decided to ask him almost playfully if his sudden change in treatment was all because of her contribution to the ritual that saved Watanuki’s life. She didn’t mean anything malicious about it but she was curious if he thought she needed to prove the authenticity of her friendship with Watanuki, and she could hardly blame him if that’s what he thought.

But Doumeki just shrugged his shoulders in response and it was only when Himawari decided not to press on and was about leave him to himself that he answered, “You understand, don’t you? You and Watanuki—you both don’t value yourselves enough to believe you deserve people in your life, do you?”

Himawari doesn’t know what kind of response to give him so she didn’t say anything. She just stared at him without any kind of smile in her lips. Doumeki seemed pleased with that reaction and he added, “I won’t let him disappear. And you’re here too, Kunogi. So start acting like it for once, and be more present.”

She had no other way to take that but to laugh at it. Himawari shook her head and bravely patted Doumeki on his elbow where he touched her once as a consolation. “I suppose we all need to learn a thing or two about opening up, eh?” she smiled at him now. “…to learn how to speak up so we can own up to the feelings we used to deny so forcefully because we’re afraid we’d be taken for granted because of them.”

Doumeki blinked at her for a while and then, to her surprise, allowed himself a small smile. It left Himawari dumbstruck and she stared at him for quite some time before she smiled back herself and then turned away. Doumeki didn’t say anything anymore to her after that, but his silence this time has become more meaningful for Himawari.

 

 

**xXx**

 

 

It was hard to believe that it was only about three days ago when Watanuki and Himawari were finally alone inside the wish shop. This was because Doumeki and that poor, sweet girl Kohane were out in the yard with Ichihara and Mokona, playing another round of mahjong. Watanuki and Himawari didn’t know how to play themselves and so after yet another spirited banter between Watanuki and Doumeki, the former decided to stomp away back inside the shop to prepare the group some snacks instead, and Himawari joined him because she doesn’t really feel like watching the others play.

And, well, if she is being a hundred percent honest, she also wanted to spend some time with Watanuki—preferably without the others.

Watanuki, of course, welcomed her warmly and started his usual colorful rant about insulting Doumeki as he complimented her in contrast with him. On any other day, Himawari would have just laughed it off and tease him about his closeness with the other boy, but this time she felt numb about it. She knew Watanuki is too oblivious to realize how he really feels about Doumeki, let alone how he really feels about her. Nothing in his behavior suggested that he was nervous to be alone with a plague like Himawari and she’s not sure if that’s even a good thing. He hasn’t exactly changed the way he treated her after the incident; after she revealed that she’s tainted and that she could put him in danger again (the shop’s protective spells somehow balance this out, thank the gods). In fact, he smiled even brighter at her and held her gaze longer during conversations, as if knowing what ailed Himawari all this time just encouraged him to be friendly to her. Himawari wished this means that Watanuki’s feelings for her have grown fiercer, that it wasn’t all about pleasant neutrality this time. She felt so stupid for asking that much.

“Are you okay, Himawari-chan?” Watanuki gazed at her with a frown forming in his lips. They were inside the kitchen now, and Himawari was helping out with the tea and cakes. He stopped what he was doing just so he can fix his stare on her face. “You seem…glum. I have never seen you like this.”

“Oh!” she immediately tried to bounce back with a ready smile. “I was just…worried about the upcoming prom night that the council is hosting. It’s the first time we will be handling an event like that, you know. Everyone is nervous and fretful.”

“I’m sure it would be great!” Watanuki beamed as he pushed his glasses back to the bridge of his nose, a habit she has never seen him do as often as she’d like so she wondered if it was something he did when he’s uncomfortable. His cheeks do look flushed. “It’s party so people can have fun spending time with each other a-and there’s f-food…lots of dancing. You know, like, what prom usually is like…?”

She laughed. “We both don’t know, do we? That’s why this is all some weird social experiment that none of us in the council ever thought the faculty would go along with. Suffice to say, I think we’re the first school to ever organize such a Western event. It’s really—I don’t know, I guess, a proud moment for us too?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Watanuki looked away sheepishly and arranged the slices of cake in the tray the second time. He did this absentmindedly and Himawari found it very adorable. When Watanuki looked back at her, she was still smiling.

“I think I’m mostly worried about the dancing that comes along with it, you know,” Himawari revealed. “The slow dancing…” she felt embarrassed all of a sudden. “We don’t…Japanese students don’t really dance in pairs to sensuous music, right?”

“W-Well, I don’t k-know…” Watanuki wasn’t looking at her anymore and was instead poking at a cake slice. Himawari kept quiet now and the short stretch of uncomfortable silence lingered between them.

“I hope everyone participates in the dancing though,” Himawari finally spoke up. “I just want the whole thing to be a success. I just think…it would be a great experience for the school and the students if they try something new and inspired…right?”

“Yeah,” Watanuki nodded stiffly and then cleared his throat. “So…does that mean Himawari-chan has a date for the prom?”

Himawari’s eyes widened. “Well, I’ve been asked but I had to turn down some of them—” she stopped herself, feeling foolish to reveal that there were at least more than two boys at school who asked. “Besides, I think I’ll be too busy making sure everything is going smoothly to even get a chance to dance and mingle.”

Before she could hurriedly turn the subject to him and whether or not he plans to go with someone (they never specified that two boys or two girls couldn’t go together as pairs anyway so if Watanuki and Doumeki…) but she was cut short when Watanuki suddenly turned to face her and almost shouted:

“I-I COULD T-TAKE HIMAWARI-CH-CHAN FOR A D-DANCE!”

Silence.

Watanuki’s bravery deflated instantly. “I mean, you know, WHATEVER, I don’t know—just—if you’ll have me, that is, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO, I mean, it’s like you said youwillbesobusyyouwonthavetime—”

Himawari raised a palm to calm him down. “Watanuki-kun, it’s okay. I appreciate the sentiment. I really do.”

He nodded vigorously in a way that she was afraid he could snap his head with the motion. She continued. “But you’re probably right. I’d be too busy for it.”

“Yes, yes,” Watanuki turned his attention back to the cakes, looking defeated. “But I just want Himawari-chan to have fun. You work so hard for the school and the activities that I think you could use a break every now and then.”

“Watanuki-kun is so thoughtful,” and Himawari-chan did something before she could help herself. She leaned closer to the counter and placed her hand on top of his. The gesture was light and mindless but Watanuki jerked up to a more attentive stance and looked at her with wide eyes and she felt herself blushing down to her nape.

For a while they just stared at each other.

Himawari’s heart pounded against her chest in a dizzying way she can’t ignore. Watanuki hardly blinked as he met her gaze and for one terrifying moment she was afraid he has realized that maybe he didn’t exactly _like her_ in the way he hoped—

It was too much so Himawari pulled her hand away as inconspicuously as she could and said, “I’ll go check if there is something that Yuuko-san and the others need.”

She started walking off without waiting for a response. Himawari knew that it was rather insensitive of her to do that, but she believed Watanuki can forgive her for trying to diffuse an awkward situation even if it was in a very cowardly way.

 

 

 

**xXx**

That happened three days ago.

It didn’t really matter now.

Now Watanuki was telling her, “I made a wish and it was costly.”

Watanuki looked like he was in a trance. He almost didn’t look real. She couldn’t put her finger on it but there was just something wrong about all this.

“Please tell me everything,” Himawari tried to walk toward him but her feet won’t allow her. There is a pressure around her body and she wondered if it was because of the protective spells of the shop. It’s making her skin crawl unpleasantly. Upon realizing that it could be a strong possibility, she had to ask him, “Where is Yuuko-san?”

He looked as if he was holding his breath all this time because when he answered, she could also hear him sigh, “She’s gone.”

“Where did she go?”

“She’s—dead, Himawari-chan."

“Oh my god,” Himawari wanted to walk to Watanuki and hug him. She doesn’t care about some damn spell holding her back so she tried moving but ended up falling to her knees. The impact of the floor hurt her and he could tell Watanuki wanted to do something—anything—but when she looked up he just kept standing there. Still, he looked hurt. He looked so powerless to help her and it was hurting him.

“No,” she began, “this isn’t happening. I don’t understand! Why is she dead? How did she—? And how come the shop is—? I’m confused, Watanuki-kun! I-I’m…” she swallowed and then said a little louder, “I’m very scared.”

“Himawari-chan…” he sounded so broken.

“What is going on? Why can’t I…why can’t I go to you? What’s this feeling? It’s like I’m being—I need to come close, Watanuki-kun! I want to! I need you to know that I—” Himawari pulled herself up from the ground and tried again. But Watanuki was finally—thankfully—coming closer.

The proximity made her tear up and she couldn’t stop rambling. “Oh my god, Watanuki-kun—I’m sorry, I’m so, so, sorry. I should have come sooner for you. How did this even happen? Why did she die? Oh my god…”

“She’s been dead for a while, she told me,” Watanuki’s voice was far too calm as he delivered such earth-shattering news, and she didn’t like it.

So Himawari raised both hands and gripped him by the sleeves—and she realized he was wearing a kimono— _her_ kimono. And it looked comically large on him but she wasn’t laughing at this and neither is she. It was suddenly very hard to breathe.

It was the easiest thing to do until it wasn’t.

“I should have—” she began but couldn’t go on. She swallowed the lump in her throat and used her other hand to wipe her tears. She tried again. “I should have told you how I felt back then…how I felt about you—”

“Please,” Watanuki circled his hands around her wrists and softly said. “Don’t.”

It wasn’t a warning or a threat. It was a request.

A wish.

“I…” she was feeling faint again, “I’m sorry—” but she tried to stand still as she looked as deeply as she could into his eyes and hoped she can still reach him.

“Listen,” Watanuki let her wrists go and was now cupping her cheeks as he explained, “I don’t have much long. The shop’s barrier is shifting, being strengthened by what was left of Yuuko-san-magic. That means other spells will be reinforced—including spells that would keep out…” he searched for the words but couldn’t find any. “…you’re not supernatural but you have a…an affliction upon you that is mystical so…I’m sorry, Himawari-chan. But from this point on you can never ever enter the shop again.” He placed his hands on her shoulders now, his grip gentle. “And that wouldn’t be a bad thing in itself. Except that—”

“W-What?” Himawari tightened her own hold on his sleeves. “Tell me, please!”

“I made a wish that cost me my physical freedom and age,” Watanuki looked like he was about to tear up too but he was brave. He was strong—at least braver and stronger than she ever was at this moment. He went on, “I can never leave the shop. I will stay here and wait for her—for Yuuko-san, until she comes back.”

“But she’s dead!” Himawari was angry and she should feel bad about it—especially when Watanuki looked like she just slapped him in the face when she screamed at him like that—but she didn’t care. This wasn’t happening. How is this happening?

“Are you telling me—” she could hardly hear herself or see him through the haze of heat and tears, “…that this is the last time we will meet and I will never be able to visit you here? Is this—is this what—did you even—goddamit, Watanuki-kun, did you even think of what happens after when you made such a selfish wish?!”

“Himawari-chan, don’t do this—” Watanuki let her go quickly and took a step back. He looked as if he was forcing himself not to deal with any of this and it only made Himawari so much angrier. She willed herself to raise an arm and grip him by the wrist. He looked at it for a while before he could meet her gaze.

“Why would you do this to yourself?” Himawari wiped her tears again but gripped his arm tightly. “Why can’t you ever just be happy?”

“Why can’t _you_?” Watanuki shot back, eyes suddenly coming alive with an emotion she has never seen cross his features before when they’re together.

“You don’t know anything,” she replied as her mouth was going numb.

“Don’t I?” Watanuki challenged her. “Really, Himawari-chan, if there was anyone who knows what a cursed existence means—”

“It doesn’t even compare!” Himawari squeezed her eyes shut as more tears came. Her body felt imprisoned due to whatever spells are surrounding her at this point, but the torment they’re inflicting on her only gave her the strength to reveal it all to him if this was truly going to be the last time she’ll see Watanuki.

“I’m _a_ curse, don’t you get it? I bring harm and misfortune to people—even death. You—you simply don’t love yourself enough to want to live so instead you want to disappear. But you already know that you are loved, don’t you?”

“But me?” She opened her eyes and spat out the words. “No amount of self-love is fixing _me¸_ Watanuki-kun! No amount of good intentions or pity from other people will break my curse because this isn’t a fairy tale and there’s no true love’s kiss for me! Don’t you get it? I’m _a_ curse and I have to live with that. And you don’t have to live with _this_ and yet you _chose_ it! You are…SO SELFISH!”

“And so are you!” Watanuki grabbed her by the elbow without being aware of its roughness. “You’re just as closed off as I am and you think I don’t see through it? Maybe I chose not to call you on your bullshit because I was sparing you from the humiliation and the pain of being exposed like this because I know—I _know_ —how excruciating it is to be reduced to a state of vulnerable discord!”

He swallowed once and said, “I would give anything… _anything_ …to change how I acted around you in the past if I knew like I know now that all you’ve wanted was someone to see you as you are…” he trailed off as he used his other hand to touch something in the air above her, “…all this darkness and ugly energy…” as he spoke, he looked as if he was petting something, his fingers trailing across an invisible manifestation only he could see. “Because I notice it now and once I have, I can never pretend not to see it anymore. And I see _you._ ”

He looked at her face, his expression soft now. “Everything you thought I can’t love or accept—I see it.”

The moment he said that, she felt like cowering away.

“And look, Himawari-chan—” he opened both arms now as he took a step back with a smile on his face. “I’m still standing right here, aren’t I? I haven’t run.”

She let out a laugh. It sounded wrong but she doesn’t know how else to react.

Watanuki laughed too and the tension—all that rage and regret, their borrowed time, their unspoken farewell—dispersed in an instant and there was only the truth.

Elated by the revelation, Himawari kissed Watanuki.

It was the easiest thing to do...

 

 

..and then it wasn’t.

 

 

 

 

**THE END**


End file.
